Authenticity and the Struggle of Relationship

Three years ago I met my love. It was terrible timing (I really can’t stress that enough). I had barely left my current relationship (though it was long dead) and was profoundly depressed. She had just suffered the tragic news that her father had a terminal illness (after her own breakup and career downsizing). We commenced building the most angst-ridden relationship of my life. I say building but in reality, and unfortunately, the relationship built itself because neither of us was fully prepared to consciously decide how and if we wanted to proceed.

What we did know, and continue to know, were several things:

• We are alike where it might be helpful to be different
• We are different where it might be helpful to be more alike
• It is a soulful relationship built on a love of words, beauty and nature
• We share similar passions and values
• As she likes to quote from Brokeback Mountain, we can’t seem to quit each other

Resentment built up through the years. I wanted way more than she was prepared to give at a time when her emotional resources were stretched thin. I felt a deep connection that I’d been missing and wanted to drink deep from that well. We both sacrificed significant bits of our real selves to try to keep this relationship in tact. There were many attempted breakups and one short three month break. She couldn’t decide if she wanted a relationship. I hated her for being undecided.

And so, here we are today. Her father passed 2 1/2 years ago, there is still ongoing estate work, and we have absolutely worn each other out in the rasslin’ of relationship work. I’ve had opportunities for other loves. And I just couldn’t leave and, despite my tugging and pulling, neither could she. My confidantes have asked why.

I think, in the end, it came down to feeling 100% known and accepted. We share a similar language for most things, we both have done intense and deep introspective work, we are quiet (well, mostly, except for those giggle fits) and thoughtful. Those authentic pieces remain and I think we both feel that they are the most important parts of what makes us “us” as individuals. Plus, because of the inherent limits that were placed on this relationship, I was forced to grow and investigate myself, my own dreams and desires (besides relationship) fully. What a gift!

Rarely do we find that perfect match that allows us to express every aspect of ourselves within the confines of a partnership. Being in a relationship requires, duh, compromise and each of us individually must decide how much of our unique, authentic selves to defer, explore elsewhere or ignore. We’re still rooting around in that…and talking, talking, talking. There’s beauty there.