Epiphany
Relationships are hard on me. But, I finally think it is fair to say, they’ve been harder still on my ex-partners. When you continue to hear the same things from people you’ve loved and lost, you gotta wake up some time. Unfortunately, waking up isn’t always clear and easy.
Folks. I woke up this week. I’m flooded by what I’ve discovered and it has freed me in a way that isn’t easy to express because I suspect that I’m in a small, lucky, sometimes cursed group of people.
I credit this book, The Restless Heart: Finding Our Spiritual Home in Times of Loneliness, for what may be one of the most pivotal changes in my life. It is the section on “restlessness” as a type of loneliness where I recognized me. I can’t copy it all here so I’ll do my best to summarize an eloquent writer’s words:
Many or most of us suffer from a type of soulful loneliness, even when we are deeply loved, because we have felt a fully evolved, higher level of love via spirit. We’ve been “kissed by God” and in most of us there is a memory of this that causes all other love to pale in comparison. (Page 54 of the hard cover).
My sister and I have what we call the “love dream”. Unlike a sex dream, the love dream (with a stranger or a friend or a celebrity-the object is not important) leaves you bereft upon awakening. I’ve been blessed/troubled with these my whole life (because this is a serious post I will wait til another time to amuse you with the objects of my affection). I’ve laid in bed and cried because I could not reach that ethereal partner. As in-love as I’ve been, except in a few fleeting moments of physical intimacy, I’ve never experienced said “love dream” in reality.
So. You are my earthbound love interest. Poor you.
You simply cannot compare. Sorry. I’ll beg, cajole, nag, cry, grovel, yell, scream, pout, woo, rationalize, educate you to DEATH trying to get you to conform in some way to this level of love I’ve experienced.
And you just can’t. And you get exhausted and defeated because
It is never enough.
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it 1000 times in variations.You can never do enough to please me.
When I read Father Rolheiser’s words, I wept copious tears. When I read them aloud to one of my objects, I wept again. I can barely keep from weeping now, frankly.
THIS is why I feel let down. THIS is why I suffer chronic loneliness. THIS is why I’m constantly seeking the romantic love of a lifetime…and why I can never really find it except in a spiritual capacity within myself.
I think some of us have a stronger memory of our love relationship with God/spirit/Universe. We can still feel it on a deeper level than others. This is me. I’ve been labeled a sensualist and an empath and once wrote Diane Ackerman about this sense of loneliness which she graciously responded to with a “yes”, she feels it too.
I feel free. I feel blessed. I feel a sense of understanding and acceptance I’ve never felt before. I’ve released the fantasy while retaining hope of a strong, healthy, committed human relationship and recommitted to focusing on my self and my spiritual life. Have you been “kissed by God”?
Related:
Authenticity and the Struggle of Relationship
Yes. I have been kissed by God.
I have been telling people for years that I can feel the potential of the deepest unconditional love, unable to figure out why others can’t sense what I can. Now this makes sense.
Thank you so much for sharing your epiphany. You have inspired one in me.
Found you through safetycomfort. So very glad for the serendipity.
April ´s last blog ..Radical Self Love
Great post Kelly. You’ve really reached an epiphany when you can look critically at yourself and see what needs to change. It really does free you to live and love differently. Thanks for sharing. I think everyone should reflect back and see if they have memories of this evolved higher love.
Hello Michael. Thank you for that. I saw my dear (therapist) elf yesterday and tried to explain and continued to sniffle and bawl. A very big time for me right now. Trying to really explore while that door has swung wide open. Much love to you.
Wow, Kelly. Your epiphany really resonated with me. I need to chew on it for a while. But I think this might be the most important blog post I have ever read.
Pam´s last blog ..A Seafaring Tale- Part 2
Wow back Pam. I read this comment on my phone on the way home and started crying (again…seems that will be my thing for a bit). Those are powerful words to a writer. It feels good not to be alone. Thank you so much. I honestly don’t know what else to say.
So beautiful, Kelly. Your epiphany, your awareness, your telling, your writing, you. Such poignant, intimate, tender self-awareness.
God shows up in these moments, these honest revelations. Not in judgment, but in kindness and grace. Indeed, in a kiss.
Ronna´s last blog ..What are the stories you’d like to hear
Coming from someone I admire sooooo very much, this means a great deal. Thank you, Ronna.
Fantastic post and insight, Kelly! For me, it’s those moments of QUIET when I can get back in touch with that deep, unconditional love that sustains me through all the other tough things in life. Knowing that I’m never alone does give me courage and freedom.
Our hearts are restless….. that keeps me growing and reaching and striving to be the best I can be. And the universe…or God….or whatever…. surprises me in the midst of it all as a reminder of what really matters. And I think that our purpose is to remind each other of that deeper reality in the best way we can. So, you’ve done that in your great reflection — thanks!
Patsy, yes, I’m not surprised that you “get it”. After all, it was you who first took me to Gethsemani! I am trying to build in some practice to keep this door open in myself as it was closed for so long. Still learning, still growing. Thank you, again, for being a faithful friend and reader from the early days…
Well I don’t see that any hairy legged guys have commented on this so I’ll be the first. From one to another I have to say that “yes I’ve been kissed by God” and now I am cursed, have been every since.
Ok not really. Your post brings about valid suggestions for change that I think all of us who suffer from the ‘kiss’ should take note on. That it’s ok to feel how we are feeling and it’s ok to realize no one absolutely no one Loves us like God. Now don’t go getting cranky and crack on me, I’m not religous but I do believe in God and spirituality.
I would like to ask you tho, where do abandonment issues fall in to place with the feeling of lack of love, in your experience? Just curious.
Thanks for sharing
Lee @cadilacjax
Funny, Lee, that you should mention abandonment issues as me ol’ therapist and I discuss those often. I don’t suffer from abandonment as much as “lack of notice” issues from childhood which has me giving for the sake of being appreciated and noticed. I think these two issues (”knowing” God from waaaaaay back and childhood abandonment/emotional neglect) both impact our relationships but in subtly different ways. We are looking for transcendence in our romantic relationships bc of the first and tons of attention/reassurance bc of the second. Don’t you think?
Regardless, thanks for the visit! I’ve stopped by your site and recommend it to others!
Hugs,
K.
Thanks Kelly
Yes I am agreeing with you. Whether it be neglect or abandonment we have certain fears or whatnot when it comes to the reassurance part.
My site is kinda quirky, not really a niche site but personal. I so love to write/blog that you just never know what might pop up there next.. Thanks for the recommends! Greatly appreciated
(I’ll send you an email)
Lee´s last blog ..Rouge Flight attendants jetblue Steven Slater Is he Your Hero
I am going to agree with cadilacjax….abandonment? I believe, too, we stem from that when we look for love….and get let down…oh my heart breaks too every time i read a love story….thanks for sharing.